ode to the internet

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
O constant connectivity,
How we've missed you!

(I never claimed to be a poet)

Seriously, the end of this odyssey deserves some serious celebration. After 2 1/2 months in this country, we FINALLY have an internet connection. Whew. Someday we'll be able to look back at the journey and laugh, but not yet.

It all started when Pat did research and came up with a great deal through Virgin. He had all sorts of problems getting them to schedule a date to come out because they couldn't find our address in the system. Our place had been "delisted" i.e. it didn't exist while it was being refurbished for about two years (it's a tax reduction thing I would imagine). It's now "listed" again, but not everyone has it in their system yet. So once he was able to get them to recognize us, it took two weeks and $100 for them to come out to run the cable line. (That's the standard wait time for just about everything) The problem was that Virgin is a cable broadband system and our house wasn't refurbished with that in mind. There's only a phone line. Pat talked to the landlord about running the cable and he was open to it, but wanted to be there when they came so he'd know how they were going to do it and retained veto power. So two weeks later, they came. Ultimately, you had two young guys that drill from the inside of the house out, not really knowing where they'll pop out and no recourse if it looked like shit. Because of that, and not being too excited about having a wire across the front of his house, the landlord said no. I don't blame him for that, I wouldn't have wanted it if I were him. I do blame him for not thinking it out more and just saying no earlier. I mean, there would have had to been pixie dust involved to run that cable and not disturb anything.

So, on to plan B. We ruled out any cable-based broadband and turned to DSL. There were two companies. Sky was a better deal and included some satellite TV stations in their package, but when we called they said they didn't have any more accounts in our area, they were full. We would have to wait until someone canceled service. It didn't sound like there was a waiting list or any way to tell how long it would take. Huh? How do these people stay in business.

Ok, plan C. BT. Really the only company that the landlord will approve of and that CAN give us a connection. They're huge--like the AT&T of Britain. They're also bastards with the worse customer service I've ever seen. Not that I will ever sing the praises of Time Warner because I hate them, but these people make them look good.

Of course, they're not the cheapest. Or the easiest to get a hold of. Pat has spent hours (my guess would be 3 or more, no kidding) on hold waiting to talk to someone to initiate service. There was even one night where we were determined to get through and traded the cell phone between us for at least an hour and a half with the same "we are very busy right now. We will be with you momentarily" message when Pat realized the company had closed after the first hour we had been on hold and left us there. We could have been on the phone all night.

Pat thought he had a great idea to cheat the system and got online to sign up. We didn't hear anything. He happened to walk up to one of his co-workers who was waiting on hold and jokingly said "is it BT?" She said yes. Big surprise. He found out that she had also tried to sign up for service over the internet and after waiting for God knows how long, called BT and found out that they had no record of the internet request. So Pat spent another hour or so on the phone to find out the same thing happened to us.

After actually talking to BT, getting the internet is a 3 step process of visits to our house over the course of 3 weeks. Luckily I'm not working since they give you those huge windows when they'll be there (between 8 and 1 or my personal favorite, before 6pm). Two weeks after the Virgin fiasco, BT came out to install the phone line. They won't even take your internet order until you have one. A week later they bring the broadband equipment so you can try to set it up yourself. If you don't succeed, you can pay a BT person $100 to come out 3 days later to do it for you. However, they can't bring the equipment with them and set it up in one trip. Don't ask me why. Luckily I was able to set it up myself. As long as the phone works after it charges tomorrow, I'll be able to cancel the installation appointment.

To top it all off, I got the first phone bill right before we got the internet equipment. It was due the very next day. Nice. So I got on the internet to register us so that I could pay. No go. Of course, they need 24 hours to show you your bill and you can't pay until it's there. Funny, I had 24 hours to pay. Pat was gone and I wasn't willing to spend a fortune on my cell phone to call those people. I trekked out to the nearest pay phone (BT of course). Luckily it was a free number to call since I had to call back 4 times or so to get the right menus. Get this, you have the option to pay and then, separately, you have the option to TELL them you've paid. How nice for them.

What did I learn from all of this?
1. Pat has more patience than I thought :)
2. Companies can miraculously survive by giving potential customers ulcers.
3. You should never get into a phone booth, even when it's cool outside, with the sun shining into it--it's like a bug under the magnifying glass effect.
4. Start planning for the internet in England before you leave the states and then know that, if all goes perfectly, you will be without it for at least 3 weeks.

A big thank you goes out to our mysterious next door neighbors who have been so kind as to lend us an unprotected, weak internet signal through the wall. Whenever we complained about it's slowness or that it wasn't working, we had to remember the glimmer of hope that it offered us and be thankful. How I'll miss hugging the wall closest to you, waiting, hoping, opening and closing my computer to fool it into seeing your weak signal. We promise that our intentions were good and that we didn't try to hack into any government agencies while "borrowing" your connection. Scout's honor.